January 13, 2012 SOUNDS ⁄  MDNA: Madonna’s back and she’s (kind of) bad

MDNA: Madonna’s back and she’s (kind of) bad
In a move that has outraged anti-drug campaigners and Lady Gaga’s publicity monster-truck, Madonna revealed her new album is titled MDNA. It’s the surest sign in years that there’s some life in the old girl yet, thus crippling Gaga’s stealth campaign to have her euthanised.

Although the album title obviously shocked our smack habit into violent, self-loathing relapse, we welcome Madge’s half-arsed shit-stirring. It’s a pleasant change to Gaga’s attention-asphyxiating tactics of sensory gang rape. Let’s cast our dilated pupils over past celebrity dope endorsements that herded us into the gurning maws of drug addiction…

Pete Doherty – Pete posed with a mouthful of syringes, won NME’s ‘Hero of the Year’ in 2008 and had continued sexual relations with Kate Moss. Drugs are bad… MMMKAY?

Robbie Fowler – coke went out of fashion with shellsuits in the 80s. Then, in a 1999 goal-celebration, the Liverpool footballer dropped to the ground and snorted the touchline’s white markings. His manager defended it as a ‘Cameroonian grass-eating celebration’. Right…

Charlie Sheen – Before Sheen’s very public meltdown, we thought crackhead’s were all toothless vagrants. This pipe-smoking Plato and his entourage of porn stars said otherwise.